No I am not saying I am used to feeling suicidal. You said suicidal ideations was normal and I was agreeing with you. They are normal. Everyone at some point in their lives have said or thought of suicide at least everyone I have ever come in contact in my 40+ years of life.

You asked if the friend that died was a her and I said yes.

I am not expecting you or anyone to go and pay their respects, I have posted the paragraph she wrote on this website and others and as a result I get asked about her so now I automatically post where her memorial is for those that would like to read about her.

Yes I am alive because of her love for life AND my friends who cared to lay it all on the line for me.

Yes a part of her lives on with me just like it does with every person she met in her lifetime. And I don't put a but in saying she is dead. That to me is discounting or saying her life was not important.

No I am not ashamed of my feelings. Nowhere in either of my posts have I said I was ashamed of my feelings. If I was I wouldn't be posting about them. Shame or being ashamed means to hide or want to hide because it is wrong. there is nothing wrong with my having thoughts of suicide.

No I did not say my suicidal thoughts is like a rollercoaster. The thoughts are ALWAYS there. My ups and downs comes come from the fact that my son is not here and I miss him not from the thoughts of suicide.

No I do not quiver with fear and excitement. Death niether frightens or excites me. Death is a fact of life with me plain and simple. In fact I accept that I have two terminal deseases and I know I AM going to die. What I am saying is that my death is NOt going to come by way of my taking my life. I care too much for my friends to take my life. When (not if) When I die it will be because of the two terminal illnesses that I have.

Since I am typing this obviously I have not already killed myself

As for how can you help me - you cannot. I did not respond to your post expecting you to help, analys or fix me If you know anything about me by way of my posts and blog you already know I have years ago given up on the "someones got to fix me stage" I have to help myself and I am doing that by way of keeping myself on my plans - physical and mental set up by myself, my family physician and my therapists along the way.

I responded because you asked if anyone besides you had suicidal thoughts. People respond to posts here to let eachother know they are not alone and other people are listening, not to have each other play therapy and fix each other.

no to me normalcy does not breed resistance. I have done nothing for the last 5 years but to work my therapy plans not resist them so that I can have a more normal life. Resistance by dictionary definition means not doing something or anything, fighting against getting well. I choose learn about my problems and take care of them not for short term but forever. Therefore I am not resisting.

As for allowing myself to feel I have spent the last 5 years 24/7 learning how to let myself feel. And I don't worry about other people liking or disliking my style of expression. If I did I wouldn't be publishing three books, posting the information that I do on message boards or blogs running a survivors group in real life and being in on line support and therapy groups. I KNOW I have alot to offer people and they can take or leave what I offer which is their choice.

I neither like nor dislike rollercoasters since I have no memory of being on any fair ground roller coasters.

Seek thrills - Hey lets see I've seen the statue of liberty, the grand canyon, Hoover Dam, Niagra Falls, Saw Crystal Gayle in concert and met her back stage, Saw Loretta Lynn in concert along with one of her daughters and met her daughter after the concert, Participated in testifying before a state task force on rape and sexual assault where my input went into proposals and became a part of new laws for that state, Went into prison systems as a guest speaker for inmate rape offenders programs, Participated in many jr high and high schools as a guest speaker on rape and sexual abuse, In the process confronted my abuser, participated in helping other survivors,lawyers, doctors, therapy professionals put together a workshop on sexual abuse, participated in a county child abuse council, went up against a DHS caseworker for breaching the federal law HIPPA and other breaches of state and county mental health rules and ethics and won the caseworker can no longer work as a social worker for the state, Gave birth to a beutiful child who I was told I would never be able to carry and deliver, Wrote three books that are now ready for publishing, graduated high school and college, recieved the colleges leadership award, participated as a vollunteer on two hotlines, worked and developed with my therapist my 24/7 therapy program for my DID that included and still does include researching, contacting professionals in the field of DID, art therapy, awareness therapy, journaling, work books and text books, relaxation therapy, and so much more which has basically put 10 years of therapy into a 3 years time frame, at times I also open my door to other survivors that need a place in emergency situations while getting hooked up with emergency services in the communitys. .. Shall I go on with my lifes accomplishments and thrills?

Do I love life yea I sure do otherwise I wouldnt be here today. Im the one doing the work to keep me here.

As for if someone has ever hurt me again if you have read any of my posts and my blog and understood them then you would already have your answer so theres no need for me to rewrite my posts and blog to answer that question here on this thread.

Even though you misunderstood (or should I say took a totally off track attempt to psychoanalys) most of what I was saying I am glad it meant something in your way of thinking. and good luck to you.