I tend to worry a lot about relationship stuff. Either that, or I get a little jealous or just in 'bad moods' I guess. Lately it's been a taking a toll on her.

For example, if there is an object or something that I suspect is from her past relationship (like a gift or something he gave to her) I might ask her about it (which is kind of destructive inherently) and she might not want to tell me the story behind it because she knows this kind of thing upsets me, so she may respond with 'Oh someone I sued to know gave that to me' and she'll avoid giving me details. This just makes me think 'Why is she keeping this from me?!' even thought I honestly have no proof that object is even FROM her past relationship.

Another example, she's not very affectionate in public and that gets to me. Rather, she just shows it in different ways than I do. I'm all for hugging and kissing and saying I love you (to a degree) but she isn't that kind of person. It's as if she doesn't even think about doing those type of things. She expresses affection in different ways such as spending time together, cuddling a bit, and other ways. However, we've been dating for a few months now and she's only said 'I Love You' maybe 4-5 times without me saying it first. Another thing thing, if I were to say I love you randomly or put my arm around her, she look at me like 'why are you doing this?' like I have to have some ulterior motive. Maybe that's just how she is though? Maybe in her life I love yous and hugs weren't given without reason? (I read 5 Love Languages, I took it to mind but I may need help implementing it)

One last example, trying to keep it PG13, we've been physically intimate for a while but not 'all the way', just playing around here or there. But recently we hit 'all the way', we continued to do so every time we saw each other for about a week (not too much). Now, it's been nearly two weeks and I'm going into surgery on Tuesday which will prevent me from participating in these acts for maybe another 2-3 weeks. It seems like she just doesn't desire to do anything even though she knows it's bugging me and I wont physically be able to do anything until after I'm recovered. We're seeing each other tomorrow and if she doesn't want to do anything I swear I'm going to go crazy because isn't it kind of like neglecting me? I told her 'I wont be able to do anything for maybe 4 weeks I'd really like to do something before surgery and I might not be able to see you until after!' and she said 'well that Sunday night before it we'll see each other!'. She was right, I'll see her Sunday night. To me it sounded like she was planning on doing something with me then, but if not, should I really be taking offense? first of all I'm a 21 year old guy and I know my libido is pretty active and i'm biologically needy right now, and i'm not sure if I'm expecting too much or what. I feel like I shouldn't have to wait four weeks and she knows its bugging me.

Now, adding up those three examples, I tend to get worked up a bit. I don't really have much to distract myself from the relationship right now either because school's out and, like i said, surgery is coming up with quite a recovery time afterward. I'll be stuck at home a lot mulling over relationship issues. I know I lack self esteem, confidence, and according to my T I don't feel like i deserve to be loved which can explain all of these, and I think I agree.

They tend to take control of my mind and it protrudes through when I speak to her, and it stresses her out because she doesn't feel like anything is wrong in the relationship and it makes her feel like she keeps doing stuff wrong and she's trying but I'm just not getting it. It kind of scares her I guess. It scares me too. I'm tired of not accepting her for her, because believe me, and this isn't the 'honeymoon phase' coming out of me, logically, this girl is amazing in so many ways. I DO feel like I'm extremely lucky to have her, like I don't deserve her. I'm afraid, in the end, it's that mindset which will push her away.