I have spent today swinging wildly from anger to sadness to not caring and back to anger. The thing, well one of the things, that I keep hitting up against is this: she told me yesterday that she is still there for me, and I believed her. Still do believe her. But I don't know what that means any more. When I talked to her on Thurs night, when she hung up on me, I was crying and crying and trying to tell her how I felt, saying that I was at the point of complete skills breakdown and I didn't know what to do, and she said "I'm not going to talk to you about that." And I got so frustrated and upset and I said "how can I not be allowed to tell you how I feel? How can I call you for help if you won't tell me what is ok or not ok to say on the phone??" and she just said, I'm not going into that, goodbye.

I just don't know...sure, she is there. But I can't actually call her, if I needed to (let alone wanted to...) because I still don't know what is ok to say or not to say. So, yes, she is there but no, she isn't. I can't call and say "I don't know if it's ok to say this..." because that is going to make her angry and push her away.

So. I have to sit with it until I see her next and get some clarification. And that is SO not one of my strong points. I am almost unable to sit with huge emotions like this, and that fact is demoralizing in itself. I thought I had progressed further than this. Turns out I just hadn't been triggered in the right way lately.