thanks for the responses so far. the part about the letter sounds great! he is in counseling for his stuffand he has come along way. i think this is part of why my junk is so annoying to him. i don't worry about him leaving me for someone else. i know without a doubt that i can trust him he has never given any reason for me not to. i do have trust issues that cause me problems that carry from my first marriage. i am not giving up on us. i just need to fix me. for along time i didnt know how bad i was. as i look back on the last few years and reflect i can see the downward spiral i have been in! i thought i had control of my illness ,but in reality I was just slipping further and further in.I thought I could fix myself. I have now come to the reality that I cannot. Being able to post here in a nonjudgmentle place is a great help to. Mental illness is a very lonely place. You have to show the world this put together person while on the inside the walls are crumbling around you and the ground is sinking beneith your feet, and the sky is falling in on top of you.so this place is wonderful thank you for reading my posts, it helps me see that my thoughts and feelings are worthwhile.