It's one of my last posts today as I'm back to school for 4 days from tomorrow. I skipped school today with the permission of my mum. You folks have been very helpful so far and since it's been quite therapeutic to get these things off my chest so here goes one more...

Whenever I'm confronted with a problem, no matter how small - but it's particularly strong with bad situations obviously - I immediately think of suicide. No matter how small an issue my immediate instinct is to think to how I can end my life and I go on to make elaborate plans no matter where I am for how I could end it if things went wrong. That's not to say I'd actually do it but that's the first solution that comes up in my head about anything. That or a thought of myself being injured for something I'd done wrong. Does anyone else have this or is it just me? Say I trip on a chair leg in school... my immediate thought to avoid embarrassment in my head would be to imagine myself being hit by a hammer or crippled somehow as punishment. This is why my suicidal thoughts tend to get worse when I feel bad and my depression worsens. How do I stop this? How do normal people react? What can I do to alleviate this as when serious situations arise my instinct to throw myself out of a window gets really strong and thus this is why I've resorted to self harm. It was a way of acting out that self punishment in a stressful situation because I don't know how else to cope with ANYTHING. I either numb my emotions or bombard myself with irrational solutions to problems.