survivor..

You didn't upset me at all in anything that you said. Your comments were calmly stated, nonjudgemental and very fair. Why did I do what I did? I now know that I did waht I did to escape my depression. The rush of those episodes was my own "drug". I can totally understand how many people would be digusted by that. I am disgusted by my own behavior as it ran contrary to my own upbringing, values, morlas and beliefs. I did it to ease my pain.

Was my sex life with this woman adequate? Well, I know that I am a person with an extremely high drive and I also know that it would be a rarity to find a partner that shared that. I know I was a bit frustrated in that area which may have contributed to me seeking it outside the relationship. But, I also know that that I did not place enough importance on the mental and emotional aspects of the relationship. For, it is the mental connection and the emotional closeness I miss the most now. I am isoalted and alone and the end result is that my depression has only escalated 10 fold.

This woman will never come back to me. I am facing that reality. I wish I could just turn back teh hands of time, but I can't. The pain is truely unbearable at times. Not just losing her, but how I did. That it happened as a result of my own actions, things I CHOSE to do. And, teh incredible guilt ans shame, It eats away at me every minute of every day. Each day is a struggle to get through. I can't explain why I did what I did. All I know it that I did it and it cost me dearly.