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Elysium · May 01, 2011, 06:12 PM

Well, I went through my Associates program and obtained my RN in 2002. I always told myself that I wanted to take a year or two off afterwards to A) Recover, and B) give myself some time to get my feet wet in my profession, then I planned on returning back to school for my BSN and MSN so I could be a Nurse Practitioner.

A couple years down the road and I was getting comfortable with working full-time and not having to worry about school, and this was also when I started therapy and discovered how messed up I really am with the depression, cptsd, and did.

I have always struggled with moving beyond my so called "station" in life. My sperm donor, and primary abuser, is an Engineer....has his Bachelor's Degree...he has always been the highest educated one in my family. While growing up, even though he would be hyper-critical about grades (when it was convenient for him), he also never let me forget that he didn't want me getting too intelligent or smart, less I surpass him educationally and knock him off his perch on the "family pedestal"

So, I was already feeling like I was not smart enough to make it through a Master's degree program, even though I graduated my Associates program with Honors. It was like pulling teeth to get me to even give myself the credit that I WAS smart enough and that my Sperm Donor was not the one who got to decide how intelligent I got to become. I almost had myself convinced that I could do it, and then..........the Government changed the requirements to obtain a Nurse Practitioner's License. Now, you not only needed your MSN, you had to complete a PhD Program as well and become a Doctor Nurse.

At this point, I pretty much gave up. I knew I was not intelligent enough to make it through the PhD program, after all only really important and intelligent and worthy people got PhD's. There is no way I could pull it off. I also became easily overwhelmed by just about anything and lost my house, my family, my job.......blah, blah, blah.....wah, wah, wah!!

Fast forward to now. There is a spark of something inside me that WANTS to go back to school and BELIEVES that I CAN get my Master's and my PhD. I really think I would do excellent in Grad School....but others.....internally (DID) even think about getting into a Nursing School and going for a PhD and they just want to hide out in the corners and cry....and I hear a resounding "We can't do it!!! Don't set us up to be embarrassed and disappointed in ourselves!!", "Don't even attempt to surpass your father's degree status and intelligence!!"

However,

There is also this even smaller spark of something inside that says "MUST go higher!! CAN go higher!!"

I just don't know. I'm not someone who can take any time off from work to dive into school so I would be working full time on top of a full course.

I don't know what to do? What if I go for it and I can't do it, then i prove him right. What if I don't go for it? But, I don't want to not go for it.