I spent the day alone, doing things that felt good. I organized things and went through another whole cartridge for my label maker, lol. I did my nails and plucked my eyebrows and talked to my sister. I took a nap and did some homework. I ordered pizza for when the kids got home.

I didn't call T. I got a text from her but didn't read it. A long one, actually, because it was in 4 parts. I deleted it. I blocked her from calling me and me from calling her. I unblocked her and then blocked her again. And again. For some reason it only feels safe when I know she can't call me. Otherwise I find myself looking at the phone all the time, or jumping when it rings, afraid it is her.

This doesn't give me a lot of hope about being able to repair the relationship. I am trying instead to focus on life-after-T. It will be better this way, because it has to happen eventually. I knew that all along, and knew it would hurt. Now I'm in the middle of the hurt and I don't want to go through this again. I want it to be over and to not ever have it happen again.

And that makes me sad. I'm glad I don't have to decide anything right this minute. All I have to do is breathe and experience myself as me alone, not as me supported by T. Just me. I will be okay.