You made a good connection between your Grandma and your Mom. So often people repeat the same patterns with their spouse that they had with a parent. It's amazing and terrible how compulsive we are about keeping things going, even really destructive things. I think you're doing everything you can for your folks. I know how frustrating this must be. My folks live in the country with wood heat, too, and I sometimes wonder how that will play out as they get older...in your place, I wouldn't follow the sister's advice. I couldn't.