How little I know how to choose people who will support me in this journey.

I am feeling braver tonight. Went to T yesterday afternoon. In pain. Still crying. But feeling better.

I opened up about my week. The issues I'm still struggling with (alcohol, SUI thoughts).

Finally brought up how old T treated me. (We have talked about more recent stuff like my exes but not that).

She leaned forward and said, "You have value. You deserve to be treated well. Never let anyone fool you into thinking otherwise."



This was me. Minus the dollar signs.

At the time deep down I knew I wanted to resist her message. It hurt too deep to change my world view that way.

Today I am feeling more peaceful. Almost like part of me has been starving and I'm grateful to be fed. But TOO grateful.

I don't want to hear these messages, that I'm ok the way I am. It's just temporary. I'm paying her to say all this.

It's so scary to accept that these issues are so much bigger than I imagined. It's not going to go away if I earn a certain value or look a certain way or act a certain way. It's deep within.

So scared. Ah, so so scared.

Because THAT would take a lot of work to change.

I am very confused right now.