Just had another appointment with T, the first one after I told him I had googled him and I literally wanted to die. I am so lucky and so happy. He didn't abandon me and explained how I have a tendency to do this(search out info ahead of time to be prepared for the other shoe to drop sort of thing) as a coping mechanism and that we will work to find other, more healthy ways of trying to deal with this. It's my way of trying to maintain control but the stress and burden of doing this all the time is also my biggest problem. I told him he gave me the greatest gift, that he has confidence in me and now I am holding nothing back.........I do trust him. I believe him when he says he was "bothered' but not "angry". And I feel the best I have felt in awhile. Thanks everyone............sending love your way.