it just got off on the wrong foot. I was so anxious that I couldn't come out of the bathroom until a couple minutes past, and then I went into the waiting room but it was empty and I stood there for 5 minutes and then I went outside and freaked out and walked around and then I got mad and went back in and walked back to her office, which I never do. She always comes to get me. But I did this time, and she was sitting there on the computer and I said "WTF?" and yeah. Not the best opener.

So then there was only a half hour left and I spent a lot of that time crying and a lot of it telling her not to yell at me and a lot of it freaking out about the clock ticking. I did my best to stay present. I did my best to protect myself. I did my best to stand up for myself while still owning my own huge part in all this mess.

When there were 10 minutes left I really kind of lost it. Then I stopped. I took a deep breath. I asked T if I could come see her again this week. In 2.5 years of therapy I have never asked that. She seemed surprised but she got up and said if she has an opening then I can come back in, and she had 2 openings tomorrow, so I'm going back tomorrow at 1.

I do feel like we started to get some resolution today, as messy and horrible as it was. I feel ok only because I will see her tomorrow. If I thought I had to sit on these feelings for another week the very idea would send me spinning out and out and out. But I don't have to. We can each take tonight to think about what was said today, and go back tomorrow and try to resolve this.

A lot of what we talked about was about phone calls. She has been and still is giving me very mixed messages about that. I know it's clear to HER, because she seems so frustrated at having to repeat herself, but it's not clear to me. She at first said that calls have to be for skills coaching only, period, which is a change from how things used to be. But a few minutes later she said that me calling for a quick check in is ok, too. When I pointed out to her that she was contradicting herself, she just didn't say anything.

So, it is confusing, and it is hard, and it really really sucks. I still don't know when I'm supposed to call her. I will say for the thousandth time, my life would be a whole hell of a lot easier if I just never called her, had never called her, had never had the option of calling her. So maybe that's what I need to do, just not call. Just make a rule about it for myself, for my own good, for my sanity.

I forgot to read my notes about what I wanted to talk about. I forgot I even had them. I forgot to keep breathing and I forgot to remind myself that T is trying to help me. But I survived and I did say a lot of what I wanted to say, so that's good.