My name is Halen I'm 21 yrs. old and I'm desperately seeking for advice. I came to this site to try and find advice on what I should do about my anger. I have horrible anger issues, I throw objects across rooms, punch and kick walls,cars,pretty much whatever. When I try to control it I feel faint,weak, and shacky. I've seen a therapist before for it but it hasn't helped. As a child I experienced sexual abuse from a close family member, but have never told anyone. I find myself feeling emberrased and ashamed about it. It started when I was 7 and went on until I was around 11 1/2 (puberty.) I don't know if keeping all this in has anything to do with my anger because I feel like I have left that in the past, but recently I have found myself crying in the middle of the night for no reason and get panicky and kind of confused. I'm starting to fear that I will hurt someone do to my anger. I usually get verbally abusive with whoever I'm arguing with and rarely, but yet it has occurred, I get physical. I try very hard not to because I'm not the type of guy who hurts people but I just can't control it. Afterwards I cry out of frustration for not being able to control myself. I've used drugs in the past and I find myself being drawn back to them. It's always in my mind more and more. I feel like I'm about to totally loose control of my life now and I know that drugs are not the answer but yet it helped me fade out when I was younger. I want to be a good man but that just seems to be a far reality to me. I know I shouldn't blame myself for the abuse but I feel that I shouldn't of let it go on for so long.
I know that I would never be able to talk to anybody about it, I've tried before when I was at my lowest but just couldn't bring myself to say anything. I mean I'm a grown man who's scared of talking to people about my feelings and that is what is getting me into trouble. Anyway any type of advice/support would be greatly appreciated, I really need it right now. Thanks for your time. -Halen