I keep remembering little things...sawe, you are so right, it was a LOT for just a half hour!

She talked about how frustrating it is for her to deal with me, how I was "sarcastic and mean" in session last week, but then called to apologize, and then said I wasn't coming, and then said I was. I told her I know that is frustrating, and it's not easy being on this side of things, either. I told her that to me it seems like textbook BPD behavior and it's not her job to get frustrated with me, it's her job to help me learn how handle it. She said she's human and can't help being frustrated, and I said maybe she needs to work on that with her consultation team and not bring her counter-transference into session. She said there is no such thing as transference or counter-transference in DBT.

She said that working through this is her way of helping me learn how to work through things in other relationships, and I told her I see that and I'm aware of that, but that no other relationship requires just one 50 minute block a week to work on things, and that is an artificial construct that is making this harder. She agreed and said that if it were another relationship we could have worked through it in 3 or 4 hours and been done with it, but that the therapeutic relationship drags it out. She used my phrase "artificial construct" a couple more times and commented that she really liked that phrase, lol!

At the very beginning I told her that what I had to say was dependent on what she had to say, and she said "I said everything I had to say last week" and so I started talking but she interrupted me after about 10 seconds

I was telling her that HER actions have caused me enormous distress and emotional suffering over the past week. I'm not sure she heard me as she interrupted right after that. I will say it again tomorrow, just in case.

I also referred to Linehan's book (CBT for BPD) several times and encouraged her to get it off of the shelf behind her and read page 501 in particular. She didn't. I like to think she did it right after I left, though.

I heard a lot of "this is my [her] fault" and "I am to blame" but I did not hear an apology. I mean, her taking ownership is good. I took ownership of my part, too. And I apologized many times over the past week. I would like to hear "I'm sorry." I will probably say that tomorrow, too. I don't really have anything left to lose at this point.

I told her that I wish she would have found a gentler way to change things, if she was set on changing them. She said "it could have been gentler, but it could have been worse too" and that's when I said I don't think it could have been much worse without her breaking some legal or ethical rule for Ts. She just repeated that it could have been worse. It's true, I guess.

thank you for letting me process this, you guys. It helps, a lot, to get it out of my head instead of letting it spin and spin in there.