You are so right. I just wanted to avoid the emotional turmoil. I guess I wanted it to be easier and simpler. Just analyze and all will be well was my motto. I read yesterday that we can think of our rational brain as truly the tip of the iceberg - that is the part we consciously work with but there is so much more under the sea that is actually the bulk of the iceberg. So also, our minds. Our rational part can only do so much.

So, therefore, I changed my mind yesterday about trying to withdraw. I decided to resist the impulse and habit to bury my emotions. It seems that the past week or so of doing that have plunged me into a depression.

So, yesterday, as I was sinking into another dark depressed place, I thought - o.k. - let it come - let the fear be felt; let the anxiety be noticed. Don't try to run from it anymore.

So, for the first time, I really really sat with the emotions. Very uncomfortable, but better than depression. And I felt deep in my body that they originated from a time long ago - as a child. I could sense the long time fear. It has been living with me and I didn't know it. But my actions in life have reflected that fear. I have almost no memory of my childhood but I got a couple of flashes yesterday.

My T has always advised that I sit with the emotions but they are so hard to bear. But, I found that by taking the time to find a quiet place and a quiet time alone, I could just allow them to flow over me and I could manage them.

Today I made an appointment with a somatic therapist who teaches how to pay attention to the body's signals about emotions. I'm excited and nervous what it actually means.

Needless to say, I've decided to not take klonopin anymore before my sessions and to try to not be so scared (or at least, try to walk through the fear).

Thanks everyone for your right-on comments. They have helped me a lot.