I am back in town and see my t tomorrow. I've calmed down about the email situation and am left feeling ashamed and embarrassed, both about the subject (loving her) and about my frantic emails to her when she didn't say anything about my feelings or answer my question in her emails to me.

I want to discuss the email situation as an issue, what it means to me. I want to talk about the part who feels the need for that validation from her and why I just couldn't remember that she's told me that she accepts all of my parts. The last thing she would do is reject me, but I forgot that. It hurt too much when she didn't respond to my feelings and I did feel like she rejected me.

I'm expecting her to say she won't answer my emails anymore and that it's not a punishment for me, that we have to talk about the important things I bring up in my emails, in the session. And that will be that, expect it will feel like a punishment.

I feel crummy about it, like when my former T told me you never recover from a personality disorder, and laughed when I asked her if I was recovered. So now there is proof that I haven't recovered.

It's stupid to tell her that I "love her". It makes me feel like I should be punished. No, no one ever punished me for loving them. I honestly don't know where that thought comes from. I don't express love easily and I want to be able to. Not romantic love, just love. I need to talk about love because I always start to cry when I think about it.

Something strange is that I really haven't missed my T during this 3 weeks. At least not in the way I'm used to missing my Ts. Probably because I was so busy with my family, and enjoying myself.

My appointment is in the afternoon. I am so, so exhausted from being on the road all day. I should be sleeping right now!!