why?

i think about why a lot.
why can't i have a therapist?
why was i born?
why was my mother so messed up?
why did i have to be born to them etc etc.

i have heard that it can help to think of those less fortunate than ourselves.

why are some people dying of dehydration?
why are some people not receiving treatment for hiv?
why are some people being blown up?

but really... that just gets me despairing over the state of humanity in general.

it can be hard not to think of it as the universe conspiring against us in some way...
but i guess thinking of those less fortunate can help us see that if there is a conspiracy...
we aren't the main targets
not by a long shot

(i hope you appreciate i'm not at all trying to minimise or downplay your legitimate anger / suffering etc. just trying to help you maybe put some of the events in a greater context which might help alleviate the anger / suffering somewhat).

because... i know i have a tendancy to think of the 'happy healthy person with the caring supportive family etc' and feel resentful WHY DIDN'T I GET THAT LOT IN LIFE?????????
But when you consider the statistics... The majority of people in the world are worse off than us :-(
And why didn't we get their lot in life?
I personally think... It is luck.

My friend has a story he tells me. I don't know whether I believe him, but it helps me feel better.

He says that souls are up there in heaven or wherever and they get to pick their next life. they know what will happen... so why would someone pick to be you? why would someone pick to be me? so that... nobody else had to be. crap. it was nice when he told me. but i'm not sure i can capture it.

sometimes i think that people who have struggled so much... that can work to our advantage. depends on what we choose to do with it. we can be more sensitive to others hurts etc. in virtue of our past. in virtue of knowing how much hurts hurt etc.

i don't know what else to say...

i'm sorry.