(((((((((((((Kimmydawn))))))))))))))))))

This is exactly why I testifed for the governors task force of the state I was living in at the time. Thanks to a great rape crisis counselor I started to remember things and once the remembering started there was no going back to being numb and not seeing that it shouldnt have happened and the anger just sat there boiling day by day. I couldnt do the talking and yelling at a chair or write a letter to my abuser exercises the words just weren't there for what I was feeling. I just wanted to explode and take him down in the process, until one day a friend of mine who was a co worker of the couselor asked me if I wanted to put my anger to good use the governors task force on rape and sexual abuse was traveling from the state capital to talk with teachers, lawyers, doctors, therapy professionals and survivors, and the testimonys given would be used to form proposals to be submitted to legislature for being voted into new laws in trhe state for survivors rights and to help prevent what I went through. It was an amazing experience and all the proposals were signed into laws for the state and all the survivors that participated recieved a complimentary book of the correlated matieal gathered by the task force sessions and the new laws.

It is so mindboggling and it all comes down to the "why" that no one has any answers for. I know most likely my main abuser was abused since one of my abusers was related to him, which is probably a part of why my main abuser went after me. Back when my main abuser was a child no one spoke of those things and there were no laws and so on like today. That does not excuse what he did to me for there is no acceptable excuse for it. But I can now understand some of the dynamics in that sometimes abuse runs in cycles. for the most part I gave up trying to find the answer to "why" because all it was doing was driving me more crazy.