I changed my mind yesterday about trying to withdraw.

I decided to resist the impulse and habit to bury my emotions.

So, yesterday, as I was sinking into another dark depressed place, I thought - o.k. - let it come - let the fear be felt; let the anxiety be noticed. Don't try to run from it anymore.

So, for the first time, I really really sat with the emotions. Very uncomfortable, but better than depression.

And I felt deep in my body that they originated from a time long ago - as a child. I could sense the long time fear. It has been living with me and I didn't know it. But my actions in life have reflected that fear. I have almost no memory of my childhood but I got a couple of flashes yesterday.

I found that by taking the time to find a quiet place and a quiet time alone, I could just allow them to flow over me and I could manage them.

I've decided to not take klonopin anymore before my sessions and to try to not be so scared (or at least, try to walk through the fear).