I'm so sorry you were abused as a child. I think if you had really left it in the past you wouldn't be feeling ashamed or embarrased about it. It sounds like deep down you know that it's still having a huge impact on your life. Which is completely normal. I hope you do try and find someone to talk to about this. You don't have to tell them straight away - you can get to know them, work on your anger issues and other day-to-day things. It takes time (sometimes a really long time) to get to the point where you can trust someone enough and feel ready to talk about this stuff. Please don't rule it out just because you tried before and couldn't say anything. Like Sannah said please keep us posted.