I've been having several issues with sexuality. First let me say I am 45 years old.I'm also a virgin.
Not that I wanted it that way. But do to severe shyness when I was a teenage girl. I did not date .
Then I went through a depression developed OCD and eventually lost my sex drive due to all of this.
Up until then it was pretty healthy. I had always been attracted to boys and dreamed of prince charming etc. But after I lost my sex drive I started worrying I might be gay. Which is not unusual for people with OCD .This was 20 years ago.
Anyway I went through that. I got some help with all of my problems and the sex stuff kind of died down..though I think I always repressed my sexuality a little for fear of being gay.
I eventually started dating and thought maybe I'll actually loose my virginity.LOL But little by little I got sick and a few years later I got a chronic illness and lost my sex drive again.
So I'm not really worried about losing my virginity anymore. It doesn't prove anything. Right now I just miss the sex drive. Even if I didn't have a partner, I'd have fantasies about having a man not just about sex but just having one in my life, taking care of me etc. and that kept me company when I was sick and alone. It kind of went away with my sex drive though.I find it harder to just have a romantic fantasy even if it doesn't have sex in it.
I talked to a doctor about it which was so hard for me, but they mostly for women blame it on emotional issues. I've already got so many issues to talk to my therapist with I don't have time for more issues. Plus, In my case I think this time , it's also very physical. It seems to have started suddenly after the illness and then I had my ovaries removed which cause me to go into premature menopause..again loss of sex drive is a biggie with that. I lost physical sensation down there...but good luck getting help with that if your a women. No little blue pill for us.
But I know some work on my emotional issue would help though because that always helps the physical.
So I feel my whole life I have been not repressed exactly..I always had a pretty good sex drive but certain things I would restrain.Like I still have a fear of homosexuality. I think that I never really faced that head on and let myself explore it.
I mean I see so many women who are open about their experiences, and it doesn't seem to mean that much. I hear about people that have actually had same sex sex and yet they go on and have a heterosexual life.
So I think I believe that you can be straight and yet have some feelings for the same sex. In fact I think it's normal. But there's that fear. If I think about this maybe it'll take over. Especially since my sex drive for men has been considerably lowered since Surgical Menopause.This is really silly I know but that's the OCD kicking in.
I didn't post this is the OCD section because it's not so much about the OCD but about exploring sexuality. And I think in the OCD forum it mostly might be about calming the anxiety that you're gay. I know i'm not I just want to learn to open up to all of my sexuality. So that I can feel whole and not have these hidden fears.
For instance there was a beauty contest on the other day and all of those beautiful women were there in their swimsuits and I had trouble knowing how to feel about it. They were beautiful and sexual and yet I had a fear of that. I'm not sure how other women deal with looking at other beautiful women especially those who are very sexual.You know perfect bodies and such. I don't know how to let myself look at them and feel whatever I'll feel without judging it so I just turn it off. Now I now it' possible for straight women to feel something if they see an attractive women. But I am so afraid of letting myself feel it. I really admire women that are straight that fantasize about other women or even experiment. Because it's shows they are confident in their sexuality. I am not.LOL How do you allow yourself to be free about this stuff? I'm not even looking for an actual experience. I just want to be able to let sexual thoughts come and go without judging them.
Any advice . Anyone have a similar experience or maybe have a time in their life where they felt more repressed then they are now?
This is so hard to talk about but I feel it's the best thing to do..