Well guys, I see my T in less than 24 hours now.
I was very angry at work again and I know I was snapping at customers for the phone support junk I HATE doing. But I no longer even care. I keep thinking I made a mistake not quiting last week when I had the nerve and almost did it.

I am not wanting to go to session though because inside I now feel like it is a total blowing of Ts time that he could spend with someone who could actually be helped. I keep feeling like I make a step forward and then two back. And I feel like T is exhausted with me and so am I.

Today going into work there was a homeless man in the stupid new hidden doorways they have to the building that I have to walk through. I stay on my cell with my S/O because I knew it could be a problem and I was right. The strange thing though is I felt SAFER with that strange man in a CLOSED room at 5AM with no other person around than I feel thinking about going to session!!!!!
What kind of sense does that make?

Just thinking about this makes me feel like I want to cry but more mad.
I told my boss and they are working on how to get that safe for me, but I hate being triggered. And I have to go through that darn door in the morning again.

I came home today from work and my S/O was not here - she got trapped out doing a favor for a friend. And what do I do? Self harm!!! Not much - but still... And why!!!!!! IDK !!!

I hate living like this and don't want to go to any more sessions or bother anyone else ever about my stupid stuff that I can't do anything about.

Sorry ya'll - I had to vent. Thanks for listening.