It was good. It felt right. We started off talking about whether I should take a break from therapy, and we decided not right now. Then I asked her if she thought our relationship was fixable, and we decided it is.

Parts of it were hard, like the part where we talked about me only seeing her weekly for 3 more months and then tapering down (this is because of funding, see below). That made me sad and made my whole body go numb, and I told her so. We talked through it. In three months we will see where I am. For now, three months is enough stability for me to feel safe enough to start to rebuild trust with T.

We also talked about me going back to T at some future time to continue trauma work. As sad as it is to think about not seeing T regularly, it felt good to know she will always be out there and I can always go back when the time is right.

I told her my idea of having some scheduled calls just to check in, and we set one up for Friday morning. She said of course I can call her in the meantime, if I want to or need to.

There is a lot of complicated business-end stuff going on with the state-funded managed care that is in charge of paying for my therapy, and I hate that stuff. I don't want to deal with it or think about it or go to their meetings and tell strangers why they should authorize payment for me to see a special T and not just someone in my own community. But, I have to do that again, and soon. I hated talking about that, but we did it.

In the end I asked her for a hug, and she hugged me so long and so hard. It felt really, really, really good.

I see her again on Monday. I will talk to her on Friday, whether anything is going on or not. I think I might be okay.