Since I can't sleep, maybe time for my story with regard to relationships and communication.

I've never had a relationship. Pathetic, no? Spent most of my life afraid of people finding out, part of it in denial, finally comfortable with it but in situations with no chance of finding someone or no time to pursue anything for myself. A lot of time spent in intense situations helping close friends through grief and hard times, leaving no time to explore on my own. And a lot of time just enjoying myself in other ways, trips, social activities, but nothing leading to a relationship.

This has never ever bothered me. Partly because my philosophy of life has always been about choices, "the world is what you make of it" and the choices i was making, although they excluded chances for a personal relationship, were nonetheless very important choices for me (and even with my reconsideration of everything now i don't think i would make different choices) and also because of my belief in karma (if you've read all about that in the depression forum amongst my recent long job related posts) and that comes into play here.

in other posts here people have expressed the belief that being in a relationship cannot make you "whole" and that you have to like yourself before you can expect others to like you, never that they will fill a void that you are lacking and need in order to survive. I have always agreed with that wholeheartedly. And in fact I have always been very proud of the fact that I feel so "complete" on my own, that I enjoy being by myself and doing things by myself, but also that I love sharing the things I love with others when I have the opportunity. I used to think I was very well rounded in that regard.

And so also I really believed that although nothing ever materialized for me, it would do so when the time was right. Karma.

Two years ago is when my depression began. There were a lot of factors that I have already discussed... the death of my mother, very bad relationship with my father and much contact with him that i couldn't avoid because of my mom's illness and death, the onset of the arthritis which completely changed my lifestyle, and other points of stress that built up over time. These all occured within months of each other, and also all followed several months after september 11.

I live in new jersey and travel to manhattan often for events, friends, movies, etc. so sept 11 hit close to home, and several close friends were nearby and very much affected by it. luckily no one i know personally was lost. i handled the grief and stress of that pretty well because i handle grief and stress very well in general. i had several close friends around with whom i could talk about it very frankly and honestly. of course it still had a huge impact.

i spent a particular amount of time with a friend who was pretty shaken by both the event and its aftermath (think: prejudice). this is someone i have known for awhile sharing a lot of very similar interests, similar intelect, similar sense of humor, etc. but not someone particularly special in my life otherwise. our friendship really cemented during the period after sept 11. a strong bond was formed.

as more time passed i realized that there was more between us than friendship. being the dolt that i am it took a long time for me to recognize. he gave me all the signs of being interested in me, close, touching, desire to be together. after several months i realized that this was the relationship that was "owed" to me by the universe so-to-speak. although i believed that the opportunity would present itself when the time was right, i also believe that you have to be proactive, can't sit and wait for it to come to you. the world is what you make of it, not what you sit waiting for to jump out and say "booga booga"

thinkiing that he was probably shy and frightened about saying anything i decided it was up to me to bring it up. this was hard for me. i had never done so before, never even had the opportunity before. i picked an event and decided to "go for it". I'm talking about some affection, making it clear where i stood, not trying to get into his pants or something. i was looking for a relationship, not for sex.

well the time came and it turned out i had totally totally misread the situation. the several weeks or months spent checking off the positive "signs" that gave me 100% confidence were 100% wrong. he did not react badly at all. for him this was just a close friendship, and still was, and he just happens to be a very affectionate person. he has no problem still being friends with me because he trusts me completely and so my sexuality is not at all an issue for him. of course that mutual trust is one of the things that attracted me to him.

i can't begin to describe how crushed i was. i know you shouldn't put all your eggs in one basket but this was just how the events of my life unfolded. nothing ever was there for me and then this appeared and i thought this was it. i suppose it was my "faith" that the universe worked the way i imagined it to work.

the deal now is that not only am i crushed and gun-shy about relationships, but i am also now wracked with arthritis pain not to mention depression. the arthritis keeps me from getting out an meeting people. even if someone dropped in through my roof i wouldn't be able to enjoy any contact because of the constant pain. with the depression i am so crushed that i am not the "whole person" that i would need to be before even thinking about attempting a relationship. my trust is destroyed and, especially with the abandonment of my friends in my current time of struggle, my ability to love ever again is severly in question (i have been in love before but never anything reciprocated or a situation that could possibly work out)

so the people who tell me not to worry, i'll "find" someone don't understand that i can't look anymore. i can't be open to the opportunity anymore. that whole concept of being happy on my own is shattered because although i have often been alone, many times my choice, i have never before been lonely. and the lonliness is excrutiating for me now, and constant. people don't understand that even if the opportunity did magically come up from nowhere, i am so needy now, constantly needy and thinking about how sad i am that i don't have a relationship, that any relationship i would be in now would be one that i wouldn't want to be in. i don't want to be in a relationship because i "need to be".

even if the depression clears the arthritis is an issue for the rest of my life, both in pain and in change of lifestyle. plus i look back on the fact that no one has EVER been attracted to me throughout my whole life what are the odds of something coming up now? stumbling along with a cane certainly doesnt increase my q rating.

the fact that i don't have someone in my life is a huge issue for me. the fact that it bothers me so much that i don't have someone in my life is a much huger issue.

as i said there were many factors leading to my depression but this thing was the ultimate triggering factor. i feel like it was my "last chance" and really had my hopes up way too high... at that time not because i was needy but because all the signs pointed to this being "my turn". i spent weeks and months crying over this. every day in the car to work. every evening at home. watching tv, trying to sleep. this is when i began to realize that i was suffering from something more than just unhappiness or situational depression. just to much.

and like the other things i worry about, something that is still going to haunt me even if i can make it through the depression issue itself.

-- The world is what we make of it --
-- Dave
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