Whenever something even sort of big happens to me or around me, I wait anxiously for the emotional backlash that I know will come later. Today wasn't any different. I have a strange mix of emotions going on and tears just below the surface, but I feel calmer and more...centered? than I have for a week.

I still have questions. I still think it sucks that things happened the way they did, and I feel really sad about the thought of not having T in my life someday. I'm trying to just push those thoughts away and breathe in this moment of knowing that she is here now and that I don't have to think too far ahead.

I guess part of my work is learning to recognize and appreciate those moments of peace, of clarity, of grace, when they come, and trust that they will come again.

Mostly I'm just tired and wish I could go to bed now and sleep until I wake up with a different temperament and/or a different brain. In some ways I'm just starting to recognize how different I am from other people. How not everyone feels so empty or so fragmented. How not everyone needs someone else to be a context for them to exist in. I think that on my own I don't really exist at all, and I'm just a reflection of whatever anyone thinks or says about me.