Quote:
Originally Posted by Numpty
First of all I don't think there's anything to be ashamed of. You shouldn't be ashamed of being a virgin nor should you be ashamed of your sexuality. I think you're too quick in labeling yourself and finding women attractive doesn't necessarily make you gay. You could be bisexual and then again you might not be. Think of sexuality as a spectrum, you don't have to label yourself as one thing or the other and you could just fit into the gray area in between rather than look at it in black and white terms. I don't understand why you're afraid to be gay nor do I understand why you're so afraid to explore your sexuality. Sex is nothing to be ashamed about and the same goes for what arouses you.
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Thanks Numpty.
Well the shame thing ..first off, my family never discussed sex. We were all shy and my parents were uncomfortable with it so I grew up to be uncomfortable with it as well.
Then being shy on top of that made it worse. I felt shy even expressing my feeling about boys that I liked with my friends. I'd be afraid they'd make fun of me or whatever.
I also grew up with two older brothers that would tease me mercilessly.Which for the most part didn't damage me because I knew they loved me but since I was had an issue with the subject of sex, that I did not want to be teased about that. When I was a little girl about 5 , I had a crush on a little boy in my class. My brother found out and would not stop teasing me. At the time it what so humiliating. I was just so sensitive about it.
I started hiding my feelings about boys from other people. So I kind of became asexual as far as the outer world was concerned. In my own mind I didn't really have a problem with sex. It was just the fear of being found out by other people that I had an interest in sex.
At about the age of 14 my friend had a book that said she read in a book that everyone's a little gay. Which confused me.. And later on I heard about people"turning" gay. Again this confused me. And I got scared. Do people suddenly "turn gay"? I know it's sounds funny but when you're young you really don't know and if you have no one to talk to about it, it makes things even worse.
I never thought it was bad to be gay or anything. But I guess I saw society treating gay people badly ad so I really didn't want that. So I feared even the thought that I could be gay or bisexual.
The thing is before I started censoring my own thoughts I don't remember having crushes on girls or wanting to be with them or marry them etc.
I honestly do remember looking at my Dad's Playboys that I came across. I didn't really think about it one way or the other. It was just about sex. I was about 13 and curious about sex, and I came across these magazines , so I looked at them. I was aroused by them. Back then I didn't really think I was gay because of that. I didn't think about it at all. It didn't label back then.
Anyways, the thing is I am hoping I will help me get back to that place where didn't judge my feelings or thoughts. I guess I know it is not black and white, like you said. I mean you hear movie stars and people on TV talking about having feelings or even experiences with same sex and they just feel like it's part of their sexuality but it doesn't define them. I so get that. Accept when it comes to me.
I guess it's just very hard for me after all of these years of dysfunction to just let it go.
I think that's why I need to talk this out. It helps to hear from someone like yourself who doesn' t have such a labeled and departmentalized idea of sex
thanks.