I can't tell you what your orientation is because only you can really know that. But I'll tell you what I think... many straight women find themselves fantasizing about women during sex but that doesn't necessarily make them gay. From what you said you claim that you've never had any feelings for women and can't picture yourself with one so I don't think you are gay. I just want to make it clear that I'm simply giving you my opinion, that doesn't necessarily make what I say about your orientation true. Only you can know who you're attracted to and at what level.

Also, I don't for a second believe that anybody can "turn gay". You're either gay or you're not. The same goes for bisexuality. Again, I think you've labelled yourself too quickly and haven't given it enough thought. You don't need to label yourself. Just like who you like and you don't need to compartmentalize that part of you because sexuality is fluid and every person is unique that way.

As for your upbringing... you're in your 40s now. Nobody's going to tease you anymore unless they're a complete moron. Everyone gets teased at that age for crushing on someone and yes it is embarrassing when you're little but you need to grow out of thinking like that. Sex isn't dirty, shameful or anything to be embarrassed about. And to suppress your thoughts and urges is simply unnatural. You're a grown woman and you will get urges; I'd be more worried if you didn't get them. You'll find that you get turned from things you didn't expect either. That doesn't make your feelings wrong, so why would you try to suppress something that's just part of human nature? You'd be doing yourself more damage thinking that way than you think. I understand that you're shy and I can relate to that too. But you need to combat that. Get a therapist, speak to someone about your anxiety but don't cage yourself away for the rest of your life because you're too scared to acknowledge that you're just a normal human being like everyone else who gets aroused by things. EVERYONE does! So why would you beat yourself up for being normal? The thing is most people take the risk of asking someone out and being rejected and revealing their feelings despite being scared. But I don't think you made that leap which is a shame. It's really not as scary as you think.