say whatever you want.

no i was not abused in that manner, nor physically, nor verbally from what i can remember but there was yelling. he was around, but definately not the cookie cutter standard of what a father is (or in the movies since i know thats rare).

i have been thinking lately, i have less anxiety about this. for now i settled on just going with feeling. i feel as though i have no hesitation or regret to admire or be curious about men, but intimacy on that level has not appealed to me. i also dont know how much of these feelings are being affected by other mental issues and emotional issues.

i locked eyes with this girl i liked very much and so did she (a few months ago); i did this today. it struck into me, it just made me feel good and i realized i wasnt thinking, i was feeling. when i think i get afraid and when i feel, well i make progress or i fail but its never done with a calculating fear that i know so well now.

i was also thinking today that i must have forgotten how to love. granted most people are not on my level of intellectual thought, and i hate most people, but there are some people i can feel before i even talk to and i am petrified by the thought of communicating and trying to just be friends as a prelude to whatever.
my therapist said i obsess too much about this, he said to stop obsessing and you may find your answer.

the more i think of this, i dont think sexuality is my problem, i have no concerns about it. its something else, possibly related, or maybe the same.....i just wish for a compassionate friend or two and a girl to love. in my purest thought, that is what i find. so often i am confronted with sarcasm and hackneyed responses and solutions to this jaded lifestyle i live, i wish i were sentient and pure.

basically, this issue may not be THE issue. there must be something emotionally taxing on my soul.