That's me. I feel SO stuck right now.

I saw T today and I don't know if there was ANY movement. I just feel STUCK.

I feel so inside out. Like we're at this core stuff and T is seeing the REAL ME and that he's not going to love me or even like me anymore. It feels SO REAL. I can't imagine him continuing to like me, I can't imagine him not dreading our appointments.

It takes me so long to get "warmed up" in therapy and everything big happens in the last 10 minutes and then of course it's rushed and I feel pushed out (even though I'm not, time is just up, and I totally get that).

I hate this. I know that T likes me and that T loves me and I can't help wanting to just jump ship RIGHT NOW before that changes.

I need so badly to feel connected to T, because THAT is my foundation for this work, and I don't. And it's not him, it's me. I know it's me. And I can sit here and know it and I can't figure out how to fix it.

I decided to try to notice ANYTHING I can find about myself that's good (I decided this on my way home from session) and I ended up having to coordinate a bunch of families for something and I was able to tell myself "I'm good at organizing groups of people". Such a lame start, but a start.

So. I'm attention-seeking, manipulative, stupid, ugly, lame, weak, a big complainer...and I am good at organizing groups of people. Yipee.