I don't know what to say about work. I am trying to rebuild. I talked to my supervisor yesterday. I confessed that I have a lot of stress about this job, and that all the frustrations, the people telling me different things/procedures and coming back and being told something else, certain comments...It only makes things worse. I also said the reason having stress with this job is because of my living situation.

Part of what started this with me is that a few weeks ago I was trying to register for benefits (can only be done online) but I encountered a problem where I was being offered the wrong options. They finally figured out, I guess, that it was my PO Box for an address that made the system think I was "out of area". They wanted me to change my PO Box to *my physical home address*. That scared the hell out of me! I didn't tell the benefits person why I didn't want to change my address; just said that I was moving and it's always been easier to use a PO Box for everything. They managed to fix the problem so I could use my PO Box, but requested that I still change/add my physical address. She said that sometimes they will FedEx things to people at home. I was so scared about having to possibly tell my supervisor and/or the company about being homeless. I was somewhat relieved when I learned that I didn't necessarily have to do it. I just realized a day or two ago that situation with the benefits problem and wanting a physical address is probably near where things really started getting to me with stress from work. I'd thought about ways to tell my boss where I live, but I just didn't know the right way without doing damage.

I finally decided to do it and didn't want to waste work time trying to explain things (and confusing him), so I started with a voice mail and that I'd talk to him if I could find a better way to explain. Well, the first TWO VM's (got cut off on one) I think did the job well for confusing him, so I called and left a third a while later when I thought of something a little better. I explained how, because of my living situation, my future depends on having a good job and a decent paycheck, and the different frustrations and things about trying to learn and train mean more stress for me. I said in the messages and to him in person how cautious I was of telling him or the company because I learned from past experience that only bad stuff happens. I figured it wouldn't hurt and also mentioned in one of the messages that I am on Adderall, and the added stress probably doesn't help that problem either. (Okay, I *know* it doesn't.) Since work is a pharmacy and he is pharmacist, I am pretty well assured he knows what that is used for. And probably that it can affect learning a new job (as well as the *stress* of!)--especially with people telling me different things!

I feel a little better that he knows everything. Some of the pressure is off me now, at least. I still don't feel right, like I've been failing a class and have to repeat a grade. That's hardly the case, but I guess its hard to really understand where I am with this job because of the stress I've been under. My boss and I are working on it. He doesn't do training, but I am back with someone training me who is not a (stressed, *overworked*) senior tech like this last person, who and too much other stuff to do than actually work with me. This other person and I are using empty desks off to the side in a MUCH quieter part of the room, too--it's much less distracting! The desk area is alot smaller which I don't like, but at least its quieter. I don't know if I did the right thing or not in telling him everything, but I guess I've got some "protection" under the laws now. Not that the laws helped any before, but maybe to get me approved for unemployment after my last job.

Wish I didn't feel so odd and out of place at work.

My mood tonight could be better. I keep thinking back to not eating, and how much I'd rather not do it and be skin-n-bones. Makes me sad and almost want to cry.