I emailed my T last night, telling her that I was proud of myself for working hard in my session. I said I liked having a "conversation'' with her, and I kept on track with what I wanted to talk about. I said it was a really good session!

The way my T is, is that she changes her mind, at least about emails. I know it's because she wants to help me, and she's genuine in her caring about me. The email situation isn't black or white. She's strict about her emailing me ONLY once each week, but not about limiting the content. I had to laugh when I got her email this morning. She told me she agreed it was a good session, that I took risks to do the work, and that I should pat myself on the back! I wasn't expecting that kind of email though we didn't definitely decide on her sending the same one each week. I can see how that kind of email is okay with her; it's not therapy, it's just validation.

But I wonder: if I had said it was a horrible session, would she have emailed me back something reassuring?

What I'm also thinking is that even this email was a little triggering for me. It brought up the reality of the therapy relationship. I talked about love and loving her, and she thinks of it as "work". To be fair, I said I worked hard, but the way I interpret her saying it is different. I just can't seem to help that feeling creeping in, the "I want it to be real" feeling. Yet I know she has real feelings for me, and what we share in therapy is very real. It must be the borderline part of me that feels a little bit sad about it.

In the session, she brought up that I'm looking at the situation differently. I'm separating from my parts, even when I was upset with her. Part of me knew she accepted me. I never really doubted that. She thinks that's progress.

My point is about emailing. Maybe it isn't the greatest thing for me because even with such a positive email from her, I feel disappointed because she's my T, not anything else. I think I will discuss that with her next time. How can I get over that feeling? Maybe I haven't worked with my child parts enough yet. I'm looking at it more objectively, and wondering how I'm going to solve this. I know her way of doing therapy is helping me, not hurting me. Letting me feel close to her in a more normal way is healing. My other T hurt me, and the ones before that were in between.

I'm not asking anything here, guess it's just more of my writing my thoughts down so I'll have them, and can ponder them. If anyone wants to ponder with me about these subjects, jump in.