Hey Rainbow,

It's good that your thinking about things in a calmer way and trying to be objective; and even realising what hurts is good in many ways too. As you said you can talk to her about the relationship in the next session and I think you will find in doing so you will feel better for at least being able to talk about these feelings.

I think you may be right at this point about the email not always being healthy for you in the sense that at the moment your kind of having paranoid and negative thoughts about even positive statements, which I know you find hard to not do but you have worked really hard to recognise these behaviours in yourself which you should be proud of!

I too struggle with the "theraputic relationship" and how I so wish it was a real relationship, not just her work and my treatment, so to speak. I have even said to my therapist a few times that it feels unfair to use the word relationship because it implies something beyound professional and to me I sometimes feel it should just be called a service, to keep things more clear cut in a way. I have very strong transference feelings for my therapist and wish so much that she was my mum and that she would just emotionally adopt me as her child and to realise this will never happen, that she has her own children and that I am just a client hurts like hell sometimes. I have talked to her about it many times and I have sadly come to believe that the void in me that needs a parental figure may never be filled in the way I need and want it to be. I try to just constantly remind myself of the actual situation and be objective and think about how it must be for my therapist...it's not easy but what i am saying is, is that i think I understand were you are coming from **

It's nice your therapist did respond to your email and wavered from the thought of just sending the same messageto you each week.

xxxx