T has been away for a month. I have had big horrid feelings around that - no need to explain as most on here have been there and get those feelings etc... She gave me something to 'remember' her by and it helped.

I have a hard time remembering things but I know I saw my dr 3 wks ago and I said I was feeling good (during the time my T was away) and she (dr) asked if i could continue feeling this way and I said yes, but what I meant to say was if this is what others think/see/feel then yes it makes sense that not everyone is constantly suicidal (which is a theme that has and still does greatly disturbs me, i mean why do we all not just give up? give me a big red button and i'll press it for us all etc...).

But anyway. Seeing dr again tomorrow and I don't know what to say about how I feel....am I feeling...can i feel?! I think I can because there is a part of me that is saying quit T (i've been bk 1 session, it went fine but I feel like pushing her firmly away from me.....gosh knows why?!!!) and also I'm starting to feel that again no life is worth this much effort! Plus arrogantly and perhaps in a paranoid manner i think if she (T) is 'real' then what can she tell me but what I have already made up in my mind.....now i'm not saying I created life or that she is just a figment of my imagination....but....i don't know....

Of course I can't tell T this because a) did you see how hard it was to explain? I doubt anyone understands my freaky, horrid mind esp. when it feels so much unreality?! plus b) I don't think I want her to know, I get she cares about me but she does still quite frankly leave! She says she would leave a baby briefly if she knew it was well looked after and cared for when she was away.....but I think that is evil, I don;t think you should ever leave a child if you 'think' they'll be looked after.

Plus if I express any of this to her I'll be vulnerable and I feel like being strong atm. I'm confused....is what I'm feeling 'normal'? Am I over the break we had or not? Plus what should I say to my dr? I feel clueless. My main worry is that my dr will figure out at some pt I'm an idiot and give me up...i'm scared everyone will leave me but I still don't tell them I 'need' them. I mean I do, i really do......but I don't want them to hate me and if I tell them any of the thoughts above they'll think i'm a complete and utter dramatic idiot!