As for your upbringing... you're in your 40s now. Nobody's going to tease you anymore unless they're a complete moron. Everyone gets teased at that age for crushing on someone and yes it is embarrassing when you're little but you need to grow out of thinking like that. Sex isn't dirty, shameful or anything to be embarrassed about. And to suppress your thoughts and urges is simply unnatural. You're a grown woman and you will get urges; I'd be more worried if you didn't get them. You'll find that you get turned from things you didn't expect either. That doesn't make your feelings wrong, so why would you try to suppress something that's just part of human nature? You'd be doing yourself more damage thinking that way than you think. I understand that you're shy and I can relate to that too. But you need to combat that. Get a therapist, speak to someone about your anxiety but don't cage yourself away for the rest of your life because you're too scared to acknowledge that you're just a normal human being like everyone else who gets aroused by things. EVERYONE does! So why would you beat yourself up for being normal? The thing is most people take the risk of asking someone out and being rejected and revealing their feelings despite being scared. But I don't think you made that leap which is a shame. It's really not as scary as you think.