Monday,

I feel like I could have written much of your post myself. I am 29 and also a virgin, and I also am unhappy about it. It makes me feel like I'm only "90% grown up".

I have social anxiety disorder, I was diagnosed with it at 17 so I've been fighting it my whole life. I was extremely shy and never dated either, out of an excessive fear over what other people would say or think about it.

I would strongly suggest to you that you start talking about this in therapy. You say you have too many other issues, but this is something that's at the center of your deepest, most innermost self and it's clearly bothering you. It bothers the hell out of me. I never wanted to talk about it in therapy either. I had so much other crap to sort out. I lost my father when I was 20 and that has plagued my life for most of this past decade. The past few years I have made a few life changes. I am now living in another city and in my own place. Meanwhile, I hit my late 20s and that is when our sex drive really goes up (for us as women). That's when I made the conscious decision to stop talking about Dad in therapy.
I was so depressed for so many years that I repressed my sexual feelings most of the time. I never realized there was a whole other part of me that I had never uncovered (no pun intended ). I just wanted to be alone all the time, I was so miserable and I liked being alone anyway.

I told my T ahead of time that I wanted to start addressing this, I have been seeing her for almost 10 years so I feel very comfortable with her. I mostly got my feelings out in writing. In the last major "paper" I wrote, I basically outlined my entire upbringing in regards to sex, what my parents taught me [e.g. their answers to normal kid questions like why do boys and girls have different parts etc.], my relationships with a few boys [in my case, they never turned romantic but they were meaningful nonetheless...hey, that's all I got]. In the midst of writing it, I realized that I have been masturbating since I was three, and I began enjoying sex scenes on TV when I was 8 or 9! I guess I wasn't quite as asexual as I thought. I also tried to go back and think of anything that happened to me that could have been abusive. I could not. I am still working this out in therapy, but I think I was just so excessively inhibited and afraid of people that I never wanted to "let myself go" and expose myself both emotionally and physically to another person. Also, my mom was in treatment for alcoholism when I was around 10-11, and that contributed to my fears of embarrassment, because there was a lot of embarrassment to be had.

About 2 months ago, I was at a family gathering and my cousin's brother-in-law was there. I have met him before, but this time I was very attracted to him. I immediately became embarrassed inside. He is very friendly and we have some things in common, but I didn't get the feeling that he was interested in me too. Anyway, I kept this to myself for a few weeks. Then I decided to tell some people about it in confidence. And you know what happened? The more people I told, the less silly I felt about it. The more you let it out—whether in writing or talking—the less power it has over you. Sometimes that is all I need to get over a particular situation that I find troubling. It doesn't seem so "underground" or "secretive" anymore. I have been dating online for the last few months. I haven't met anyone in person yet, but I may be getting close. I haven't worked up the nerve to tell anyone that I am doing this yet though. Baby steps I guess. I'm still uncomfortable with this somewhat, but I'm working at it.

As far as wondering if you are homosexual or not, just because you are turned on by women does not automatically make you gay. It is universally accepted by mental health professionals that sexuality is a fluid thing, no one is 100% attracted to women or 100% attracted to men. I find all kinds of sexual acts to be arousing, whether it's heterosexual, man-man, or woman-woman. And yes, I find some women to be hot. But I don't want to be intimate with or live with a woman, I just can't imagine kissing a woman etc. I see myself more as living with a man, I want to do things to a man and vice versa. It sounds like you are feeling similarly. But only you can answer this for yourself. Also, keep in mind that these are just thoughts, nobody knows what you are thinking unless you share it.

I don't know if this was any help to you...take care