Death is on my mind.
I thought this was important to post, not holding it inside any longer.
I need to get my things in order.
I can’t not leave anything behind,
I have to show the world the artist I am, have been, before I pass.
Well, if I hold on to my relationship, it just might save my life.
I feel guilt for thinking these thoughts, my boyfriend has no idea.
And for the most part, I am fine,
But I just feel such a deficiency.
I look back on my life,
I’ve always been sort of a loner.
Not quite fitting in.
I’ve gotten by on keeping people at a distance,
keeping up this mystique around me.
I think there’s something ‘off’ about me that I can’t quite pinpoint.
I don’t know if my perception of reality is askew,
Or if I am on the minimal level of the autism spectrum.
All I know is that I feel like my life is coming to an end.
I feel bad for leaving my loved ones behind,
They wouldn’t understand the way I feel, even if I tried to explain.
All I know is that as their lives progress, I can’t go on with them.
The longer I know people,
The more I disconnect
I’m such a failure.
I have told myself time and again I can succeed at anything,
Which I can,
Yet the social failures seem to have become too much.
I don’t know if they’re real or just perceived on my part,
But it all hurts me to such a degree that I’d rather either kill myself or leave this life behind to live a life of a nomad.
Leaving my mark on people, for better or for worse, before moving on to the next town.
When I was young, even before I was old enough to drive,
I always fantasized about life on the open road.
Traveling the highways of the country,
Never staying in one place for longer than a few weeks, if not a few days.
Maybe I’m autistic schizoid, I don’t know.
I’ve had such a passion for life,
I’ve been able to ignore these thoughts and feelings (suicidal ideations),
But it seems my zest for life is waning.
I don’t think I can be the sister in law or the aunt to be I need to be.
I know people say they care,
But sometimes I can’t help but doubt everything,
Actions speak louder than words,
And I often doubt everyone around me.
Is that the definition of losing touch with reality?
I don’t know.
I really don’t want to go to work today.
Instead of cutting myself, something I haven’t done in 8 years or so now,
I’ve been thinking of getting extra piercings done on my ears, and possibly my eyebrow.
I used to have a nose ring and an industrial piercing in my ear over 6 years ago. They didn’t heal correctly and I had to remove them.
So many things I haven’t done with my life. I’m not yet 30 (a couple years away now),
I know I have a lot to live for,
But is it so wrong to not want to live?
I know I’m not going to want to have children,
Even though I know my boyfriend really wants them, and my family expects it.
I know I don’t want to get married,
I just want to live as a hermit somewhere,
Anonymously publishing writings under another name.
That’d be cool.
The world is too much for me,
Or perhaps I’m mildly retarded, who knows.
I’ve gone to the doctor,
No known illnesses, even though I swear I have a weak heart.
Whenever I’ve spoken to a psychiatrist about possible disorders(I’m thinking bipolar or mild schizophrenia) they always say I’m fine, and I’m currently on anti-anxiety /ant-depression meds. Which, by the way, I don’t think is helping as much as I’d like them too. Of course, I average about one to two days a week where I forget to take them until I’m falling asleep in bed. Then I remember but am too tired/half-asleep and wait till morning to take them.

Well, I think I feel better for writing this,
But now I’m tired,
I need some coffee now.
Bye for now. J