Thank you for sharing how you feel here and I'm sorry for all your struggles. All I know for certain is, death isn't the solution and it leaves tremendous pain in it's wake. You can read my bio if you like - I don't want to dwell on my own sorrow here.

Have you ever thought of joining an overseas help organization for a year- it would give you that nomadic experience, make you feel useful to humanity and break up the routine of life.

Where I live they have an event called 'Art In The Park' - would be great if you could set up a stand to share your artwork. Please reach out to a professional and tell about these feelings and never make rash decisions. Here's a compassionate website:

www.metanoia.org/suicide/