There simply is not one single thing in this above post which doesn't make me jump to say me too.And,you know,I am so sorry that you experienced these things.There is a book called "I hate you,don't leave me."I am a mere fellow woman,and have no degree or specialities....but,I wonder if you have received a diagnosis?I suggest you inquire into borderline personality disorder,and codependency.You need to learn to understand the psychology of what your life experiences have done to you.Do you feel as though it is difficult to be alone,yet,just as frustrating to be 'with' others?....idk if this has to do with BPD but it is a thing I cannot understand about myself.My everything inside is conflicting within me.It is madness making.You need to find help in looking in the mirror and loving who you see.Because I have yet to meet anyone who's sh-- doesn't stink.You are as lovely as any other person on this planet.But,until you can be ok by yourself,you will find difficulty picking the right others.That's because ,when you love you,you expect better to come to you.You care to know what you want from life,and to pursue it for the sake of your quality of life.We look for something to complete us,and no one can live up to our picture of ideal...that includes ourselves.The more you make peace with the reality of your past,and the balance of loving yourself...other things fall into place.If I am off base,I apologize,I will reply to you again if you post.Till then,take good care.