I wrote my precious T last night... I needed his words to help me heal from that aweful event. And he gave me what I needed the most.

~~~~~~~~
T,

Can you email me back just something small from your heart for me to hold onto tightly the next few days?

I know I will be ok and just have to let this all process fully.
The pain is not yet all cried out. Cried some again before I left your parkinglot - I WANTED so badly to run back into your office and just I don't know! I just wanted to be with you when it was hurting because you make it feel better.

But this pain inside and deep shame is so so nasty and such a horrid place to be in.
I feel so so so strongly the urge to SI but won't do it. I can live through this pain and I know all that does is postpone what I have to feel. This isn't fair. This is so totally not fair!

I figured out why I am so pulled to my T right now emotionally but afraid too... because when I was hurt, naturally I wanted my daddy. By the time I was eight, I had started to find out the hard way that I could not trust the comfort my father gave me.

Today when I left session, you gave me another safe hug. I wanted so desperately in my heart to just lay my head on your chest and just cry and be safe. But my adult self knows you are my T and you keep me safe. But the emotion was so so big inside. And I see now that is because on that night I wanted so badly to tell on that bad man!!! I was in shock.

But I couldn't go to my daddy and tell him. I couldn't tell my mommy at all - she was already mad for me getting lost! I was FORCED to keep it inside. That part of me that became Mick.

I wish I had a tape to play over and over you telling Mick thank you for holding that. But I can hear it in my head.

W
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My T wrote me back:

W

((Some very private but meaningful words))

...
You were a child.

You did nothing wrong.

It is not your fault.

T

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

:-) I love my T.