I met a guy. Cliche i know. But this is huge, i've never in my life felt comfortable enough to date. I'm 24 and have not once had a serious relationship due to insecurities and the ED. This guy is so good to me. I'm so insecure, not anywhere near ready to date, and so i tried to sabatoge where we were headed. He didn't give up and said he was willing to wait while i worked on myself. Who says that? I know he's great and i really want to see where it could go, but i just can't.
Im so sick of not being able to live and enjoy life because i'm so uncomfortable in my own skin.
So in response i've stopped eating, made goals about how i except my body to look before i will allow myself to date this guy, and am falling back hardcore into the ED behavior. I know it's wrong. I know i'm hurting myself, but i'm so convinced that this time will be different, this time once i hit that specific goal i will FINALLY be happy and magically cured. I know better. I know how it ends. I've lived it for the past decade. But for some reason, once i have the thought "this time it'll work, just try one more time" I HAVE to try. I give in to the ED once again. I'm sure its the only way, I'm sure i've finally got it figured out. But as sure as I think i am, i know better. It'll be a disaster, i will be an emotional wreck, struggle with wanting to kill myself, binge, and take a good 2 weeks to get back to some semblence of reality. (not necessarily in that order) But i can't not try. And since i'm doing it for "him" i assume i can't fail, but even i know how ridiculous that statement is. Sometimes i think my ED is all i'll ever have. In the end the ED wins, it'll be just us. I'm not looking at this as giving up, i'm looking at this as a necessary setback until i can feel comfortable enough to date. Then i'll work on recovery again. I know it's stupid, but i couldn't imagine not trying.