sometimes it's just not being able to pay full attention because my mind is racing ahead or in 29 different directions and I can't focus, or I am thinking about other things, and then realize later that I wasn't paying attention, I wasn't in the moment. As you are aware, I am in the "I can't talk" phase of therapy. I did tell her last time that it was hard for me to have just spent all day with 26 students, and then rush to make my appointment, and try to switch gears that fast. I go from being 'authoritative, firm, and in control', to being 'not in control' at all. That is hard for me at times.

T knows when I dissociate, but not always when it's hard for me to simply focus. My therapist knows of my ADHD tendencies, so she can tell when I am having a difficult time focusing. That is one reason she encourages me to keep writing and bringing things with me to sessions. This helps me stay focused on what I need to talk about.

Sometimes it's just too heavy to think about too and I feel weary of focusing on the hard things. Does it ever feel like you are watching a movie of someone else's life? It is almost like going into a tunnel that is 8 feet down, all you can see is darkness if you look around. But you can see the light at the top.

Sometimes it feels like I am being sucked into the pit of no return, or at times, it can feel like I was at the bottom and I am soaring to the top. Depends on the emotions I am experiencing at the moment. If I have a break through, I can feel myself soaring toward the light at the top. I see myself getting out of the pit. But, if I am having a meltdown/shut down, I feel that I am sinking deeper into darkness. That is when I can't focus, I can't see anyway out and I become mute.

On the inside, I am screaming for help. But no one sees that. They just see that I am quiet and calm. NOT! When I am not talking is when I am in the worst place of all.

At least I haven't forgotten homework yet, I seem to be paying enough attention when she assigns it that I do remember what she assigned. I even managed to remember what she assigned yesterday though I would rather have forgotten it! She writes it down for me. I would never be able to remember it if she didn't.