i have had depression for the past 4 years now. in the beginning it was manageable. now, not so much. if i dont take my medications, i feel like a monster in my own skin. i feel out of control and i somehow cant ever shake the suicidal thoughts out of my head. i began cutting. i dont know why i do it. i HATE pain and it seems dumb to me to cut yourself. somehow, it makes me feel a little better. i used to do boxing, i dont anymore. i want to begin boxing again to stop myself from cutting but somehow i cant seem to get myself to the gym. i hate the way i look and i hate the way i feel. my psychologist is helpful but its only once a week. the other 6 days i feel alone and hopeless. i feel like my parents hate me and dont support me. i dont have many suicidal thoughts now, thanks to the medicine, but they are still there. i want those thoughts to go away. i dont want to feel like sleeping is my escape from the world. i dont want to eat to get rid of my sorrows. i just want to be happy. but the question is- how can i be happy?