My feelings about T's family vary greatly depending on whether I feel I have enough of her. I generally feel quite peaceful about them these days, but as she's just been on a two week holiday and has gone away again (for her Sunday off), I feel intensely jealous right now

I remember how my heart froze when T told me she had a young baby, and how I couldn't make sense of it. For many months the sheer existence of the baby hurt me like hell. My feelings were so conflicted- on the one hand I didn't want to have everything, but on the other hand I worried a lot about whether she had everything she needed (e.g. if I knew T was going away to a conference). I wanted her child to be happy because I needed to know that T was a good mother, but I didn't want T to be her mother. Over time, T has said and shown again and again that there is enough love for both of us, and we can share, and I've learnt to love her child like a sister I suppose. I love funny stories about her, and when I've made T presents I've made sure there's something special for her child as part of it.

For a long time I wished I didn't know T had a child, as it caused me so much pain. But now I think it's the most healing aspect of my therapy. If I hadn't known, I might never have identified that what I've wanted all my life was a mother. (I have been massively over attached to female 'helpers' for years but never understood that it was about wanting them to be my mother.) And knowing about her child, and 'seeing' T parent her day to day (through T's stories and photos and knowing what they're doing each day) has brought T alive to me as a mother. There is also something crucial in wanting T all to myself vs. learning to share. And finding that there is enough for both of us. My childhood photos show that my mother just disappeared when she conceived my sister, and there are only three photos of me in my sister's first year of life, as if I stopped mattering (in the context of a whole album of just my first year). I've always had an incredibly difficult relationship with my sister. This time it feels different.

I've also had a lot of difficult feelings about her husband (to the point of moving his books and throwing away his nameplate so I didn't have to face the fact that he exists), which I found harder to understand (because it's not like I wish that I was her partner instead). T said it's really about not wanting *anyone* to stop her from being all mine, and that really resonates for me. She said her daughter tells them off or physically separates them if they try to cuddle, and this helps me to make sense of my feelings. I also feel glad that she's there patrolling the situation