I feel like **** and what do i do? Get drunk and do drugs and organise a threesome for next weekend with some peeps who i was getting hot and heavy with (yet another coping mechanism.)

At least I didnt cry.

I think my parent's friend must've been so drunk that she didnt remember the conversation we had on friday about the depression and self harm, because she hasnt said anything about it to my parents, and i have spoken to her since and shes been the same as usual (panic over XD).

But still, i feel like death.
I've really had the urge to commit suicide lately (btw, not a suicidal post...im not going to do it...i'm just talking about the urges i've had.)
I know that i'm going to die while flying. I'm going to find a tall building and my last ever moment will be absolute bliss (the only moment of bliss i shall ever have), flying towards the ground.

I even have massive realistic daydreams what it'd be like, and what i'd feel if i failed...thats why today i threw myself to the ground from a foot high ledge. It cut my lip and moved my teeth.

I'm overthinking it, but it's made me realise that seriously, if i dont ask for help soon, it may be too late...but i still cant ask for help...im a wimp. And id love to go to the docs except for the fact that im only 17 so theyd tell my parents and i'd have to pay a lot for treatments.

I dont even know the point of this post...just that, what i was worried about before is irrelevant, my coping mechanisms are still ongoing, my siocodal tendancies are getting worse, i organised a threesome and my face is bust.

Thanks for readingmy drunken rambles (before i regret and deny in the morn).. xxx