For months, since late Feb, I have been battling against myself on the life and death issue. It wasn't as bad in Feb as it is now though, just seems to keep escalating.

In March, I acted on the urge but my guy found me in time. I was telling him I was down and just was tired of even breathing. He began getting upset at what I was saying so I just stopped telling how I feel.

I go to class 4 days a week for 8-9 hours those days. I find myself isolating and spending much of my lunch in a bathroom just crying cause the urge is so strong.

So I started telling my T and psych doc and they put me on Lithium. They just raised it Friday again but they couldn't guarantee it was going to help. They just said maybe it wasn't bipolar, but a mood dis-regulation and medications can't help that. That's not what I want to hear. I don't want to be on meds but I CAN'T keep going feeling like this, I won't make it.

It's like even though I am making strides on the outside, the inside is literally falling apart. Some how I have been able to still excel in class but the last week and this weekend I haven't be able to work more than a few minutes without busting into tears. They say look at the positives. I'm almost done with school, soon I will have a decent job that I can handle, I will be able to afford a car after a few paychecks...etc. I can see them but when I'm in this state, they have no value.

Then of course everyone seems to have this one person they have to deal with who just is...grr... blind/ ignorant. They tell you to get over it or pull yourself up or handle your emotions better. Well, guess what? That doesn't help me at all.

I honestly don't know what to do. I'm trying to get through this hour and then move on to the next. I honestly wish I could do something but I can't. Inpatient is not an option because with less than 45 days of class left, I can't miss one, let alone a couple. If I do miss a couple I will have to wait till the next year to get back in. I don't want to do that but I can't go on feeling like this.