I'll try to keep this simple:

If you are in the middle of an episode, which is better? Your friends/family/SO/loved ones talking to you? Or ignoring your rantings until it has passed?

Specific:
I'm having a REEEEAAAAALY hard time right now. And any of you who have been there, knows, nothing that anyone can say is going to make you feel better... Ok, maybe not all of you, but at least SOME of us... ME most importantly.

My SO is young. He is confused and afraid. He had no idea what to do when I am in the middle of an episode, and there is no way in hell I can tell him, because, I DON'T KNOW! He offers words of encouragement, he offers hope for the future, he then clams up. He stands and gawks at me like he's being punished. He is speechless. He won't talk, he won't offer his thoughts, he won't share his personal feelings. He just stares at me blankly.

Now I don't scream at him, I don't blame him for feeling bad, I don't ask him to make it all go away, I am not begging for answers, but what happens when I get silence?

I become enraged. I feel like I have been abandoned. I want to go away and never come back. I feel like if I have to suffer in silence and alone, then I might as well be. It's only then that he begs me not to go. I'm sick. I don't want him to beg me not to go. I don't know WHAT I want from him, because guess what? I'M SICK. I DON'T FEEL WELL. NOW is not the time to ignore me or look at me like I am crazy or stand there speechless... It only makes me want to go away more. Yes, I have discussed this with him BOTH in the middle of an episode and while I felt fine. Never fails, I have an episode, he clams up, looks terrified, I don't get any help, none of us feel any better, and all I want to do is go away and never come back...

Why do I need to hear his voice when nothing he says will help?
Why do I just want to go away? If I am not getting the support that I need, (which is hard, when you don't even know what it is you need) shouldn't I just live alone?

I'm having a really hard time right now and I have posted so much today and on other boards, and even in reading it myself, none of it makes much sense. I have never been to the hospital before, (I'm 38) but I wonder if I should go. I feel really, really, really sick, both physically and in my head... I can't even get across what it is I want to say or ask...
Anything would help guys... :-(

edit: I am quite frightened, as I made a post about my daughter earlier and I cannot find it anywhere, I am honestly starting to question what is real and what is not. It was kind of a lengthy post and I had some serious concerns about my ability to parent in this condition... it's vanished... It's scaring me.