I thought about you today Troy. I had to answer you this morning because I was going into a situation where I didn't know how I was going to make out. I had to try, but every inch of the way I didn't want to do it.

My husband and I met with family members in a restaurant this morning and it was pretty crowded. I have been having troubles with my daughter understanding what I am dealing with. Actually they are all having a hard time with it, so I can really, really, really, understand what you mean by putting on that face, that face that seems to fit or join an activity with others.

Well I tried very hard with that face and a nice outfit and I could see them all looking at me and that was hard. There was so much noise in that restaurant and for some reason they brought everything out on separate plates and the table was so full. The table behind me was really close and the chair behind me was pushing up next to mine. I tried really hard to listen to everyone talk and there was so much noise banging and dishes and people talking.

I couldn't do it Troy, I really know how it feels. No I didn't fight a battle like you I know that, but I have this curtain too Troy and theres is a lot behind it and like you, no I DON'T REALLY WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT!!!!!!

I know why you wanted to shut me off, I understand really. I feel the same way. To continue my story. Well, I had to get up and go outside, I was shaking really bad and having a horrible anxiety attack. I saw a set of steps off to the side where no one could see me and I sat there and I got angry at myself and at the whole situation and how others were going to see that somehow I was still not strong enough. When I think of what is behind my cutain, how I could be so strong thru it then and not now?

I think that if we met and sat by that campfire and had a quiet chat we may be able to draw back our curtains a little and agree in all the ways we can't seem to show it to anyone else or wish others wouldn't look at us like they do, and waiting to see if we are ok to approach or something.

I have sat with a young man who seemed to be able to do that with me and he was glad he did. He was a rescue person and he also had a history of family issues. He too has PTSD and he hybernates for many months at a time. We have this quiet connection that we just seem to know that we can cry with each other and no one is there to look at us and it's ok to share somehow. He has seen some pretty bad stuff Troy, and he can't really tell anyone else about it. And yet I don't really tell him to pull back his curtain, I don't even ask, he just does what ever he wants and I just listen and we share our fear and how hard it is.

That email that you posted came to my mind today. I could see all the other people and how they were having this complaint or that issue and I just sat there on those steps and shook my head.

I know you have a lot of anger and neither one of our curtains are in any way pleasant. I have not drawn all of my curtain back in PC. But every now an then I show a little. I tried to show someone and drew it back a little more and this person thought I was imagining it. If only that were true. I have to say my name should really be MISUNDERSTOOD.

I have a new habit now, I have to save nasty messages on my answering machine and I have to take pictures or grab a witness. I somehow need to have some proof to show people what I am saying is true. How awful is that.

When I think of your campfire and that center that glow of the fire, I think about PC and how we can somehow sit around that fire and try to deal with that terrible curtain that no one seems to understand, not even us.
You know, we can get pretty angry sometimes and we can cry too. But at least we can do that here, if not anywhere else. Even here is hard and the only good thing is that no one is really expecting us to push back any of that curtain, we choose to try to do it ourselves. And it isn't easy, like I said, I havent really pulled it all the way back and I only do what I seem to need.

I dont know about where that article could go yet, but maybe if you wrote it, then you may find a place to show it. It may take you some time to do it Troy. But just starting and writing is the first step.

We will have to think, but I am really glad you are thinking and sharing with me, I know its hard but ME TOO. You were definitely there with me this morning.

Open Eyes