I have talked to a therapist for an evaluation, but I feel as though she does not understand the symptoms I try to explain to her, she just passes everything off as anxiety. A great deal of it is, but I feel as though that does not explain everything. Here is a quick list I have compiled of things I experience. Any opinions would be greatly appreciated. If something on my list is not clear, please comment and I will explain further

o Occasionally hear things that aren’t there. Usually music. A few times I've heard what sounded like someone playing clarinet playing outside my window at night. I checked, no one was there and everyone in my house was asleep. It was so loud, I couldn’t sleep.

o Live in my imagination.

o Believed I had a “guardian” who would sneak into my house and leave me food as a child.
o Believed that famous musicians I idolized were going to come take me away as a teen. Lost 30 lbs preparing for their arrival. Made up memories about them that were so vivid, I believed I was seeing the future.

o Paranoid. Feel like everyone is conspiring against me.

o Constantly listen to music to block out thoughts. Mind is constantly racing, trying to pick out contradicting things people may have said, trying to prove they are lying to me.

o Never had close friends. Never felt comfortable being one on one. Always feel judged.

o Generally, people come and go from my life very quickly because I cannot establish meaningful connections with them.

o I feel as though, if Im happy in my relationship, it’s because there is something bad that I do not know. If I stop being paranoid and I quit questioning my boyfriend, someone will be making a fool of me.

o I feel that, as soon as I trust my boyfriend, everything will turn out to be false. He will not have really cared for me, it was just a “bet” to get the best of me.

o Believe that everyone has purposely committed acts that I would not approve of just to ensure that I will never find companionship with them, even people I have never met.

o Believe that, if I make people angry, it will change their past in a way that hurts me. For example, if I make my boyfriend angry, I worry he will suddenly have a child from a past relationship. Not that he will go out and cheat, but almost as though a child will suddenly appear. Just anything that would make coping with life harder for me.

o Anxious around people. Never feel like I fit in. Almost as if I’m a different species or an animal in a cage at the zoo.

o Will do ANYTHING to avoid confrontation. Always putting everyone else first without reward. Do not want anyone to get upset and tell others that I am “bad”.

o Taken advantage of a lot out of fear of disappointing or upsetting the other person. Very suggestible. A great deal of guilt and brooding upon past actions.

o Unable to form bonds with people. I do not feel as though I have anything in common with anyone else. Feel like an outcast.

o Generally will not approach people unless it is necessary to achieve a goal. AKA: Make appointments, get information, directly asked a question.

o Will not make eye contact with people crossing my path in public.

o Have a very hard time saying “hello”, waving to people, or saying “thank you”. Not because I don’t want to, but I feel very awkward and scared. I worry they will laugh or judge me, as if they don’t really think I deserve what they’ve given me.

o Will not go to one on one meetings with friends. If I do go to see people, there must be a group of at least 3 total people and I must know the itinerary in advance.

o I do not like sudden changes of plans.

o Being around people is exhausting to me.

o Feel especially anxious around outwardly religious people. I feel as though they can sense that I am not Christian and that they are damning me in their minds.

o I do not have low self esteem.