Since I was 16, I was depressed, most of the time. The summer after I turned 24 I had my first hospitalization for Suicidal Ideation. The following month (We are looking at September now) I went again again for the same reason. In November, after I turned 25 (year 2010) My house was broken into (through the window), I lost my job (because I was not the same worker I was when I started), and the guy i was dating for 2 months decided he didn't want to anymore. The depression hit me hard. It was Christmas (2010) that I experienced my first obvious manic moment. My thoughts were going a mile a minute and I couldn't type fast enough to my cousin to tell her how I felt. Fastforward to January of this year... The "spies" in my room wouldnt leave me alone. My horrifying fear of my mother being killed or raped was too much to bear and the inability to tell whether the voices in my mind were ones I should listen to (telling me to stab myself with a screwdriver) all ended me in my latest hospital stay. The changed my medications and I swung into my first most obvious manic episode. 2 Days ago, the episode FINALLY ended. I am neither depressed nor manic. And I find myself fearing this. I don't know how to "be". I don't know who i am now that I am finally left to my own devices. Has anyone else ever felt this? It's all very new to me and I'm not sure whether to be excited and happy that nothing is wrong, or to fear how long i have left till the next episode starts. I fear that for awhile, I became Bipolar and not myself, not the girl I was before it all began. I'm not really sure I can explain efficiently how I feel. Anyone know where I am at right now? I know no one can tell how long it's going to be. I just want to know if the fear I'm feelings has been felt by someone else.

-Abe