You are right on the same path that I am, Open Eyes. Extremely loud, sudden noises SHATTER my nerves, and I'm almost out of control at that point. The one time I've seen shrinks say it has to do with my body's recollection of the combat explosions (just typing this about the noise makes m want to cry).

And those crowded restaurants with the clanking and banging, wow; it makes me want to leave also. If I'm alone and find that situation, I do just leave. If with a group, I have to put on that mask and try to make it through. Before it's over, people wonder why I've gone into a bad mood or why my answers are sharp. But, really, that kind of dinner just ruins the rest of the day or evening for me.

Today we have some children at our house, and they were loud and noisy. I was in good mood and the noise wasn't bothering me. Then one of the boys made this extremely loud, screaming sound and it just shattered my nerves. I asked him not to do that any more and buried the emotions. Seconds later he did it again, right next to me. I grabbed him by the shoulders and yelled right into his face to not do that again. You can imagine what an ogre I am now with all of those who saw it. It took about two hours to get my emotions and nerves back in place. I thought of grabbing a beer or a drink, knowing that it would tone things down, but I avoided it, knowing that I would settle down in a while. I went outside with the same kids and let them run and yell and play.

I might open up around a campfire. At least I'd tell a lot of combat stories. None of them would be the stories that caused my ptsd because I wouldn't be able to say the words. During the evaluation interview for ptsd, the shrink asked me a simple question about what incident caused my ptsd. I opened my mouth to answer and just started sobbing. (tears now). ... if you want to know the answer, pm me and I'll reply. I don't mind texting it, but saying it aloud to the shrink just wrecked me.

Another time she asked why I had chosen this time to get help, and i opened my mouth to answer ... again, sobbing and choking out the answer. Both incidents were a surprise to me. I know I'm pretty tightly wired, but that spring trigger surprised even me.

You mentioned the family gathering and the misunderstandings. I've found a couple things in all of this (neither helps, except to understand myself). One thing is that when people around me are happy, I go into a funk. I can be feeling good and very happy myself, but as soon as I realize what a good time everyone is having, zooooom. Down. And the longer I stay, the deeper I get. Within minutes, I have to get out of the room, out of the situation, and I often wind up alone and crying about it, not understanding why I am acting this way. It is at these times that suicide seems an option.

The second thing I learned is that I cannot tell my family the symptoms or explain my actions or what is causing it. I've tried a couple times, but both times the responses I got were so ridiculous I could see that I'm not equipped to tell them. i just put the mask back on and continued. Soon after combat and continuing for years, I've distanced myself from every family member (parents, siblings, aunts, uncles, cousins). It's that thing we've mentioned, they think I'm such high caliber person and I know that I'm fooling them with my mask. It feels terrible to do that, so it is easier to stretch thin the relationships and stay away.

I have no friends for the same reason. Plenty of people would say i have lots of friends. Many people would consider that they are my friend. But I have to tell you, there is not one person I'd call a friend. I keep all of these people at arms length because I know that being close to someone ends in pain as something happens to them.

LOL ... you say it might take awhile to write that article. i'd say you're right. it took me 2 hours to answer about 10 questions on the intake form for the ptsd evaluation thing. Luckily they gave me a separate room to do the form because every few seconds I was sobbing and crying and unable to write any more.

I've said a lot in these forums, a little at a time, trying to hold onto sanity. Maybe I could go back an pull together something that would make sense.

Good luck with those issues, Open Eyes. We know it ain't easy and that people around us would call us wimps and incompetent for not being able to handle things after all these years. I'm glad to find out from my shrink visit that this is a physical change in our body chemistry or something rather than just an attitude.